Monday, June 27, 2011

Hilarious Bible Excerpts

I've been out of the States recently on vacation (I'll post pictures of some cool street art I found on my adventures eventually) and ended up spending a lot of time in hotels. As you may have noticed, there is almost always a bible in the drawer next to the bed in a hotel room, which I decided to read in my down time. Some of the things I read were hilariously ridiculous, but at the same time, it's horrifying that some people legitimately believe these things. I don't mean to single out Christianity, but I didn't have access to a Quran or any other religious text (though I'm sure they are all filled with their own hilarious absurdities.)

Here are a collection of some of the most ridiculous excerpts I've selected from the Bible:

Any person who curseth his father or mother must be killed
-Leviticus 20:9

There are some pretty glaring contradictions in the Bible--this being one of them. What about "Thou shalt not kill"?

If a man has sex with a woman on her period, they are both to be cut off from their people
-Leviticus 20:18

People who have flat noses, or are blind or lame, cannot go to an altar of God
-Leviticus 21:17-18

Doesn't God create all people? Way to set them up for failure, God.

Anyone who dreams or prophesizes anything that is against God, or anyone who tries to turn you from God, is to be put to death
-Deuteronomy 13:5

Not only does the Bible tell you to kill here, but it tells you to kill someone for something they can't control, i.e. dreaming.

The eating of fat is prohibited forever
-Leviticus 3:17

Entrance into the assembly of the Lord was granted only to those with complete testicles
-Deuteronomy 23:1

Stubborn children were to be stoned, and the stoning was to be instigated by their parents
-Deuteronomy 21:18-21

False prophets are to be killed by their own parents
-Zechariah 13:3

To kill or not to kill, that is the question.

If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property
-Exodus 21:20-21

If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay the girl's father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the girl, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives
-Deuteronomy 22:28-29

Yes, the Bible requires rape victims to marry the rapist.

If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters - yes, even his own life - he cannot be my disciple
-Luke 14:26

Luke may have had some psychological issues.

Don't let cattle graze with other kinds of Cattle
-Leviticus 19:19

Don't have a variety of crops on the same field.
-Leviticus 19:19

Don't wear clothes made of more than one fabric
-Leviticus 19:19

Don't cut your hair nor shave.
-Leviticus 19:27 

 For six days work may be done, but on the seventh day you shall have a holy day, a sabbath of complete rest to the LORD; whoever does any work on it shall be put to death.
-Exodus 35:5 

You will eat the fruit of the womb, the flesh of the sons and daughters the Lord your God has given you.
-Deuteronomy 28:53

How come you never see any of these quotes on t-shirts or bumper stickers?

Behold, I will corrupt your seed and spread dung among your faces.
-Malachi 2:3

Here are some of the contradictions I mentioned earlier:

 For I am merciful, saith the Lord, and I will not keep anger forever.
-Jeremiah 3:12
Ye have kindled a fire in mine anger, which shall burn forever.
-Jeremiah 17:4

These are both from the same book in the Bible.

If I testify about myself, my testimony is not valid.
-John 5:31
Jesus answered: "Even if I testify on my own behalf, my testimony is valid."
-John 8:14

These too.

And Jesus said, "For judgement I am come into this world."
-John 9:39
I came not to judge the world
-John 12:47

Think about how much people invest themselves in this book.

Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
-Matthew 5:16
Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.
-Matthew 6:1

Jacob said, "I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved."
-Genesis 32:30
No man hath seen God at any time.
-John 1:18

We should fear God
-Matthew 10:28
We should love God
-Matthew 22:37
There is no fear in love
-John 4:18

It's good to question beliefs. Especially your own.

Thursday, June 2, 2011


by Quinton Powers

Grey -
“Imagine if you please, a wire, and on this wire, standing in perfect conformity and precise uniformity, birds. Birds of all shades of black and grey: grey, gray, grae, black—every shade imaginable. Feel the mono-chromacity of the situation, the hopelessness in the tyrant of condensated beasts looming miles above the feathered subjects of the scene. See the breezes blowing around you, picking up the loose drapes of the clothes thrown about your just recently entered body. “Just recently entered?” you ask. Yes, you are also part of this scene, standing, watching, trying to understand the beings lined in front of you. You stand upon a great expanse of pavement, grey, cracked, about as colorful as the sky around you; you stand alone, ready, with head cocked at thirty-five degrees, waiting. Wait. Waiting? Waiting for what? Don’t ponder this too much, we’ll answer it later. Anyway, return to the aforementioned scene: birds, wire, cold, dreary, you standing. As the clouds roll ever so closer, something new catches your eye, what is it? Why, it is just one extra (and equally depressing) detail. One leg. The grey bird, fourth from the left, has only a single leg, yet there it stands, in your vision, as perfectly positioned as the rest. Astonished, gaze fixed on this anomaly, you fail to see a man approach from behind. He passes on your right, lifts his formerly akimbo arms into the sky, sprints toward the wire, opens his mouth, and emits a wondrous sound, a mature and hearty:
reply the birds. A new cloud appears. Of what? Feathers. Grey. A battle for the open sky begins after the sudden entrance of the scraggly man and his now famous and duly-remembered interjection. Wing-ed creatures burst away from order, cawing with utter surprise and contempt. The birds that once sat side-by-side, one-by-one, steady, uninterrupted, now filled the area above the two interlopers, breaking away from their former structures and facing the world ahead of them, ready for the subsequent wire, the next stage of life.

Gray -
“Exit all. All except for two. Still watching the last remnants of the feathered majesties depart, you turn and gaze upon a familiar sight. The bird, still perched on a single leg, lay in the exact position as before. A mirror of yourself, the bird returns your gaze with the power of a Nietzsche-ian abyss, piercing and averting your fragile eyes and mind. The tension of the situation builds as neither party moves, until, with almost utter surprise and complete apprehension, you take a step forward and spake upon the bird: ‘What are you waiting for? The whole world is open to you, my feathered companion. If you have the ability to travel anywhere you want, why are you here? You, bird, are the model of four million years of evolution, now act like it, get out of here and become something.’ You are greeted with a silence, what did you expect? You are yelling at a bird. As you depart, the one-legged creature offers up the last word as a reply: ‘caw,’ it says with complacent ignorance and a seemingly intelligent tone. If one were to infer the meaning of this seemingly inane sound, as you didn’t, it might have said, ‘Ask yourself the same question, human.’

Grae -
“Forty years. That’s how long it has been. Four, zero. Walking, with briefcase in hand and a familiar breeze chaffing your uncovered face, you turn and cautiously walk along the pavement, the same lifeless pavement. On your right lies an image of the past, a wire—correction: the wire—still hanging between the newly-bankrupt bakery and the unknown building on the left. Memories of the thoughtful and spontaneous events of your past return in waves; guffaw, caw, “leave”, free. Every day you walk by this monument, and every day you see the depressing image: five birds, nine legs; seven birds, thirteen legs; one lonely grae bird, one lonely graeing leg. Every day…except today. Today you are greeted with a soft thump—an apple landing in the fertile soil below. Only replace the soil with hard cement, and the apple with a creature of now-broken bones and feathers. The clouds above, huge cumulus giants, grant no light on this spectacle as you approach the fluttering mess laying before you, limbs splayed. All three. You count with utter disbelief: two wings, one leg. Yes, before you stands, err, lies the un-leaving bird of ye olden days; no longer with contempt does it caw. After years of decaying, the deceased creature fell from its wire; no longer does it stand as one among its peers. Looking upon its solitary leg, you realize, the bird never left. The wing-ed love of yours had the ability to leave at any moment, yet due to a language barrier of great magnitude, it never knew. As you reach down to grab your briefcase, your eyes once again return to the leg of the bird; then you look down at your own two and remember the speech you gave this same bird forty years prior. Back and forth, you look, and with a sudden gasp, you fall upon your knees in despairing realization: the speech applied to you as well.

Black: A Conclusion -
“Yes, just what are we, humans, but wing-less birds, with the shared and unacknowledged ability to go anywhere with our lives. With this in mind, return to the question you posed in Grey. And instead of having someone like me, your lowly guide, solve it, return to the scene of the wire and once again re-ask yourself that one simple question: just what am I waiting for?”

An excellent essay by a good friend of mine. Enjoy.