Monday, June 27, 2011

Hilarious Bible Excerpts

I've been out of the States recently on vacation (I'll post pictures of some cool street art I found on my adventures eventually) and ended up spending a lot of time in hotels. As you may have noticed, there is almost always a bible in the drawer next to the bed in a hotel room, which I decided to read in my down time. Some of the things I read were hilariously ridiculous, but at the same time, it's horrifying that some people legitimately believe these things. I don't mean to single out Christianity, but I didn't have access to a Quran or any other religious text (though I'm sure they are all filled with their own hilarious absurdities.)

Here are a collection of some of the most ridiculous excerpts I've selected from the Bible:

Any person who curseth his father or mother must be killed
-Leviticus 20:9

There are some pretty glaring contradictions in the Bible--this being one of them. What about "Thou shalt not kill"?

If a man has sex with a woman on her period, they are both to be cut off from their people
-Leviticus 20:18

People who have flat noses, or are blind or lame, cannot go to an altar of God
-Leviticus 21:17-18

Doesn't God create all people? Way to set them up for failure, God.

Anyone who dreams or prophesizes anything that is against God, or anyone who tries to turn you from God, is to be put to death
-Deuteronomy 13:5

Not only does the Bible tell you to kill here, but it tells you to kill someone for something they can't control, i.e. dreaming.

The eating of fat is prohibited forever
-Leviticus 3:17

Entrance into the assembly of the Lord was granted only to those with complete testicles
-Deuteronomy 23:1

Stubborn children were to be stoned, and the stoning was to be instigated by their parents
-Deuteronomy 21:18-21

False prophets are to be killed by their own parents
-Zechariah 13:3

To kill or not to kill, that is the question.

If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property
-Exodus 21:20-21

If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay the girl's father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the girl, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives
-Deuteronomy 22:28-29

Yes, the Bible requires rape victims to marry the rapist.

If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters - yes, even his own life - he cannot be my disciple
-Luke 14:26

Luke may have had some psychological issues.

Don't let cattle graze with other kinds of Cattle
-Leviticus 19:19

Don't have a variety of crops on the same field.
-Leviticus 19:19

Don't wear clothes made of more than one fabric
-Leviticus 19:19

Don't cut your hair nor shave.
-Leviticus 19:27 

 For six days work may be done, but on the seventh day you shall have a holy day, a sabbath of complete rest to the LORD; whoever does any work on it shall be put to death.
-Exodus 35:5 

You will eat the fruit of the womb, the flesh of the sons and daughters the Lord your God has given you.
-Deuteronomy 28:53

How come you never see any of these quotes on t-shirts or bumper stickers?

Behold, I will corrupt your seed and spread dung among your faces.
-Malachi 2:3

Here are some of the contradictions I mentioned earlier:

 For I am merciful, saith the Lord, and I will not keep anger forever.
-Jeremiah 3:12
Ye have kindled a fire in mine anger, which shall burn forever.
-Jeremiah 17:4

These are both from the same book in the Bible.

If I testify about myself, my testimony is not valid.
-John 5:31
Jesus answered: "Even if I testify on my own behalf, my testimony is valid."
-John 8:14

These too.

And Jesus said, "For judgement I am come into this world."
-John 9:39
I came not to judge the world
-John 12:47

Think about how much people invest themselves in this book.

Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
-Matthew 5:16
Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.
-Matthew 6:1

Jacob said, "I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved."
-Genesis 32:30
No man hath seen God at any time.
-John 1:18

We should fear God
-Matthew 10:28
We should love God
-Matthew 22:37
There is no fear in love
-John 4:18

It's good to question beliefs. Especially your own.